The wall

There are many kinds of walls. There are seceral famous walls. No, I'm not going to write about the wall Donald Trump talked about, and I'm not writing about the Chinese wall. The walls I'm thinking of are the walls we put up around ourselves as well as the wall we sometimes hit in regards to our thoughts.
I feel now like I hit such a wall. I'm working hard on losing weight and bevause of this I've walk a lot. I feel I hit the wall when it somes to walking. I'm not motivated and I quickly become exhausted. Now my stamine when walking is worse than it was when I began dieting and excersising. It was a lot better a couple of weeks ago,
I try to motivate myself, but it's difficult. I try telling myself I should walk to burn more energy, but I feel like I'm out of energy. I feel like lating down and just sleep all day long. It does not help now when I have troubles sleeping. I fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm unable to fall ba…

Times my mind says "No!"

Most days I'm happy and want to talk to people. I'm usually a social and ourgoing person, but there are other times. Some days I just feel awful. I feel like everything around and inside me screems no! This is not fun. Why do I feel this way, some days?
It has a lot to do with the previous days and that night. How was the days leading up to today? How did I sleep this night? If I'm awake in the middle of the night my mind tends to spirol into dark thoughts. Many of the thoughts from my darkest periods return. Nothing in my mind seem positive. 
When most people say hello to me, except for my best friends, I just want to reply to them with "No!" Or "Not today!" Usually I try to talk to them and stay nice and polite. I'm not always able to do this, but I know it can help to just talk with people. If some of my friends say hello I tell them straight away how I feel. This tends to help me. These friends are people I know I can talk to about everything. My …

A changing mood.

My mood changes. It is completely natural, but when it changes quickly and often it is annoying, tiering and diffucult. It can go from really happy, to sad, to angry and back in a moment. This makes ihard for me, but also for the people I talk to on these days where my mood is like this.
It is most often like this when I'm tired or sleepy. In periods where I have troubles sleeping my mood bacomes very hard to control or predict. A small thing can elevate my mood, but a small thing can also drive it through the ground. Someone saying hello to me might be enough to make me happy, but me having to cough van make me sad. I also tend to take things too personally in these times. This does not help. 
What do I do if I notice I have such a day? It's not easy to notice when I'm in the middle of it and it makes it ten times worse if someone points it out to me. If I notice it by myself there are a few things I can do that might help me stabilize my emotions, but it takes a lot of wil…

Why I haven't moved.

A while ago I wanted to move. I have moved to different locations in the same city, but I wanted to move to another city. Why haven't I? I wanted to move because of my social network, which is spread all over the country. All over the world. I wanted to experience something new, and try living in an unfimiliar place.
There are some reasons I'm still living in the town I grew up. The first reason is because I know how to get around. I know where the different stores, centers and other things are. I know a lot of people here, and there are many people whi, if they see me, ask if I need or want help. This makes it easier and safer for me to go out.
Another reason is I find it to be a nice size. It's not a big city which can get tiering and annoying, but it still has most things I need. If there is something I need otside of this town there are easy ways for me to get to where I need to go. Here I also , both had where I lived, and have where I live now, very nive house owners. …

Closing the curtains.

At times it's something I need. The need to close the curtains, be myself completely and letting all my feelings and thoughts out. The feelings can be pleasant, but they are also sometimes dark. At times I need to let everything in my mind get out. I have really nice neighbours, but it's not all sides of me I want them to see.
It is something I do without a schedual. I don't set a certain day, time or for how long it shall last. It's not difficult for me to write about, but I don't want anyone to see it. Honestly I doubt this will be posted. When I write things it's rarely something I feel I have to publish. I write it for me and if I publish it, it's for me. I wish for others to get a glimpse of my mind.
When I have these moments I start by locking the door, closing the curtains and making sure no one can see me. Sometimes I sit down by the piano and just play whatever my heart want's to play. Sometimes it's cheerfull and sometimes It's dark. I m…

A scary night!

When the evening on saturday neared it's end I had to change my insulin equipment. This is not rare, I do it once every three or four days. It's much easier than the equipment I used before I gor my insuline pump. Before that I had to tak seven shots, every day. Two in my thigh and five in my stomach.
Everything seemed okay so I went to bed. I woke up at half past four in the morning and I was drenched in sweat. I went to the bathroom to get a towel, but before I got to the towels I heard an alarm from my insuline pump. It told me there was some sort of blockage between the pump and me. I was nautius and had a bad taste in my mouth.
I changed some of the equipment, but not all. I got some food and water and thought about calling the doctor on duty. When I had just finished eating I got the same alarm again! Then I switched all of the equipment and called the doctors office. I set a dose of insuline. The nurse on the phone seemed pleasant and did everything she is supposed to do.…

Are you prepared to support?

When you have a friend who is sad or depressed it is easy to say that you are there for them. This might be something you say just to comfort them and it might work! But are you prepared if they try to talk to you about what's on their mind?
Having a friend who struggles is not easy. You have an important role to either play or pass. Not everyone is emotionally ready to take that role. However if you choose to say that you're there for your friend, you should be ready. It is terrible if your friend has told you you can talk to them, just to meet someone who shows no interest or someone who talks about your problems like if they were insignificant. 
You might be in for a ride. They might be really happy, one moment and suicidal the next. Show you want to hear what they have to say. Don't say things like you've been in a worse place, had worse times or like you know exactly how they feel or how it is to be them. These things may lead to your friend not feeling safe to talk…